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Saturday, January 31, 2009

i gave a speech on teaching maths and science in english

the ongoing debate bout whether to go english or not.
is dumb. so fuckin dumb.
i remember teaching english to form four kids - using standard 6 grammar books.
it wasnt a proactive decision - i was asked to do so by the principal.

i remember a boy who thought recycling is pretty much like cycling.
he could park the bike at any places and even winning olympic medals.
yes. that was his essay on recycling.
i remember him telling me - his goal in life is to take care of his father's goats.
and breed them.
i supposed english is a bit off tangent for him.

and the best part is.
i was teaching english in bahasa melayu.
so imagine.
teaching maths in english. in malay.

most people are stupid.
some people spent most of their lives living within this stupidity.
some try to live above it.
some question whether or not they are people to begin the case with.

im glad im not people.
im a dragon.
suddenly the dragon disappeared.
freeing up some cells in the brain.
yes - i have a megabrain.

and then someone shot me dead.
he was amongst the audience.

he wore a songkok.
he looks like john mayer.

im glad.

-the end-

Friday, January 30, 2009

अकू नक् जदिक पेंयाजक gak

if the world we live were to be a football match.
its actually at its half time.
so currently we are watching commercials.
and half time commentaries.
of what players did wrong or did right in the first half.
it will be interesting if bookies were to rig this match.
so the end is certain.
cause penalties are not a nice way to end things.

50 cents worth of caper



Are you... are you there?



You are wrong. This is not a prologue. This is not even anything. This is an ode to “you will not like me – but please give this dimwit a chance”.

Actually what I wanted to say is. It’s just 50 cents.

Which is why I think you should listen.

To start with. i cut throats. drink blood worship demons wear make up. And so ugly that in some part of this country, some people would’ve mistaken me for a goat – which is ironic cause I worship goats too which technically means I worship myself – now that sounds about right but not necessarily appropriate.

Ok. I was being dramatic. I shouldn’t do that. I know you hate it when I do that.

I also remember when you told me. i will never be a good father for your children.

they will all be. Bad politicians and corrupt policemen

If not, they would be criminals, perverse… who stole money but they wont give it to the poor. cause my sons arent walking cliches

Since we all conform. i will have to take care of you in your sickness – I guess. But the deal is… I guess i wont change the bedsheet. If you are unable to walk to the bathroom – and soiled ur pants.

Cause I’m allergic. To your shit – which could be both literal and metaphorical. u see. if im sick too then nobody would be there to take care of you. but then again that would speed up the "death do us part" part – I guess you could relate to that.

but we'd be rich you know. cause i have this scam. of becoming filthy rich. we will both grow fat but people around us would still call us ‘nice looking power couple’. cause we are – well, rich.

theyd even put us on ‘Tattlers’ magazine cover for several editions.

oh, i know. this is the part where you correct me saying Tatler is spelled with only one 't'.

ok. i digressed. where was I?

oh. I was about to say, then we will send our children overseas and theyd become good elite people. some would be homosexuals because they are sexually liberated and of course, since it’s a trend these days. Reminds me on how much you intellectually disagree about homosexual forms of art. Fuck that shit you know, cause there is nothing intellectual about being gay.

Anyway – the kids. From our hard earned money we built a trust that will send them away. some to melbourne, some to sydney,some to perth since australia is very cheap, and some perhaps to lim kok wing for the – well whatever Lim Kok Wing strives for and the rest maybe universiti Malaya or ukm – y’know living true to the spirit of national agenda

whatever the outcome is, all that is another brilliant set-up to push them up another class so they would become good elite people

[long sigh]

I am weak, I know and I am a big hypocrite.

I have to blame it all on my social background, these generic emotions of wanting more and more was generated by the fact that I grew up as a poor puritan among so many wealthy, hedonistic preppies – when I was a kid.

all my life ive been influenced, by money, by wealth and by the lives of those who “made it” and their accoutrements – their Bukit Bandaraya mansions, KLCC view condos, yachts and private jets. I am a victim. I am being victimised by such erroneous system, the system that celebrates gluttonous consumption of the earth’s resources - that I consume, consume, consume and give nothing back. I am a sad case. I am a tragedy; it’s like watching a train getting derailed slowly.

And then suddenly, “POOF!” like in the old black and white movies where the idea of the story does not move in tandem with the movement speed of the reel, a mak cik clad in a purple tudung appeared in front of me, purple smoke all over… she uttered,

“Tau takpe.”

I’m not saying that makcik is you you know.

That makcik has no parallel trajectory to whatever point I’m trying to point out.

‘point I’m trying to point out.’

Yes. I like to repeat myself. Don’t hold me hostage for that.


are u even there?

Don’t worry, im about to finish.

you see then, when the kids are away. we would both fight

about that other man, about that other woman. About how we actually hate each others face. And how I think that you’re just a druid while you think I’m a fruit.


at times, i might be a little perverse. I admit.

but trust me, you are the only woman in my life

you dont believe me. i know.

Oh! Trust.

Ah! That part.

thats when you decided to say no when i proposed yesterday.


We could start over you know.

cause I love you. I really do.

but im screwed.

and i ran out of things to say.

Actually I ran out of coin.

So call back. I miss you.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i gave a speech on global warming

According to a simulation of planetary warming trends, failure to drastically cut greenhouse gas pollution within the next half century could choke earth's oceans for the next 100,000 years.

[long sigh]

[look at audience]

Oh God...

[even longer sigh]

[walk off]

the end.

Friday, January 23, 2009

i don't wanna slit my throat

semalam aku mimpi aku join rancangan tom tom bak.
hebat gila keadaan tu.
aku menyanyi lagu misha omar sambil menari kuda kepang.
aku nampak seorang makcik yang sangat happy dengan keadaan tu.
her face turned blue.
lepas tu aku tengok dia muntah buih buih.
buih sabun yang macam familiar.
bau dia macam buih sabun detergen dynamo.
which reminded i havent done my laundry.
lepas tu makcik tu mati.
i remember her last words were
"nasi lemak dengan kuah kacang campur asamkeping"
to which i said "what the fuck"
lepas tu aznil tampar aku.
aku lempang dia balik.
make up dia tanggal.
lepas kepala dia pulak tanggal.
blood everywhere.
semua orang lari bertempiaran.
macam biawak pasir.
ada seekor biawak pasir pernah e-mail aku - he said...
"these things happen!"
lepas tu aku realise...
aku dah lari off tangent.
tapi ada seorang lelaki ni, muka dia macam buddha.
dia masih tepuk tangan.
i was a star, on tom tom bak.

and of course i was a 29 year old star.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

aku bukan sarkas. aku sarkasma.

unorthodox views are most welcomed right now.
especially when the skies are mauve in colour.
and rainbows appear at night.
tangential to that is the dilemma of a young man.
of which in the entirety of his life.
he found out that being ruthless is pointless.
pointless, without a cause.
in fact causality alone is not necessary.
unnecessary of course when one is living in a shell.

so this young man ventured out of his shell.
but as he left his shell, he was crushed.
he found out then.
he was crushed yes, but that made him stronger.
cause instead of one.
he was crushed into many pieces.
pieces of individual element - each with its own energy.
and this energy is different.
each energy is filled with contempt.
towards each other.
each other hates each other.
this energy grows stronger day by day.
this energy will destroy mankind.

especially those who conform.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

go on a diet, dipshit



'hard surface' and 'heavy stuff'

p.s. if you find yourself writing... and writing as a defense mechanism because you're fat, ugly and flat broke, that is just self righteous.

please stop.

Monday, January 19, 2009

orange jews

" I could have annihilated all the Jews in the world, but i left some of them so you will know why i was killing them."

signed Adolf Hitler

Monday, January 05, 2009

pregnant pause is so passe

there is a narrow path leading towards my office which had to be used since the bank is under reno. almost always there will be two pregnant ladies walking side by side taking their own sweet time with me behind them. they are walking so slow its almot like a pause. perhaps thats how the term pregnant pause was derived.

to be honest they look like grizzly bears from the back - but of course i didn't tell them that. but what if i did? yeah. maybe i should. i should tell them that - and on top of that tell them that the vermilion coloured blouse one of them is wearing is the most common colour for prostitutes pubic hair in the victorian era.

hmmm. or maybe not.