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Monday, July 31, 2006

High Tech Wha?

“To conclude, the Country urgently needs a high tech port to diversify the transportation mix into the country!”

“Mr. Adams do you know that Botswana is a land-locked country, so where do you suggest that we build this port? In the middle of Sahara?”

“Errrr... of course we know you have no ocean! And that’s why we are building the port in another country, maybe somewhere in Angola! But it’s ok, if you do not agree, I have another proposition, how about a high tech sports center, we can build them in Indonesia for 50% less!”

Apparently, people in Malaysia not as smart as those in Botswana.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


scribbled this in a meeting this morning. mind the grammar.

My name is Shuharli Rusmanov, yes I know but I am no Russian. I possess a degree in Actuarial Science, which means I am more intelligent than approximately 78.88% of the world’s population. Now if you bring it to a smaller context of this country I am probably the smartest in 12.5 states including the federal territories and definitely smarter than Rafidah Aziz and all of the other less popular Cabinet Ministers. You might think I’m cocky but I am not. I’m just good at Maths!

Of course my father named me, that was how. My father is Marmono bin Haji Sebi, and yes, that makes me a Shuharli Rusmanov Marmono now go on imagine how my childhood life was. Father was a builder by profession and everyone back in Kampung Parit Warijo calls him Wak Mono and no there was no Wak Stereo in the Kampung only one, Wak Mono the builder. My father is Orang Jawa and when he was 19 he went sailing to America where he met a Ukranian Idealist Busker named Vassili Rusmanov who was an immigrant. They became close but not the Brokeback Mountain kind of close. Vassili lent my father some money and then he left America for Estonia, they never see each other ever again.

Hence the name Rusmanov.
To a 59% Malay breed born child.

Father used to have a plan, to run his own construction business, expand it and then later go IPO... but then ekonomi meleset, 3 chinesemen who were supposed to be venture capitalists turned out to be vulture capitalists and in the end what started as MONO BUILDERS now known as TONG JAYA. They went IPO last year, priced at 4.5 at the opening but some of the insiders told me they are overvalued. As for father with all his plans to get rich and famous and maybe then rub shoulders with few billionaires failed to materialise, he had to resort to live back in kampung. However, he did manage to put me through college and also thanks to MARA now i'm indebted for life!

But above all I love my father. He died last year. But he still visits once in a while, and I will occasionally bumped into him at the most awkward of places like beside me in the LRT! And everytime when I tell him to decompose quietly he will fix me with his weary eye in a characteristically deadpan way,

‘Son, stop living like a rat! You must leave this country’
And everytime, those words... will get me to think never endingly. Oh well, its been months now since last I saw him... part of me feels glad since its quite scary sometimes especially when you are seen talking to yourself but mostly I’m feeling empty, I kind of miss his company.Yesterday I quit my job, withdrew all my savings and bought a one-way ticket to London.

I haven’t got a plan but I know I have to stop living like a rat.

CFA INSTITUTE - an idiot flying the blue sky.

July 2006

Shahredza Minhat
Level 1: Pass

Monday, July 24, 2006

Dear Government Letter

[Dahlia Minhat, 24, Engineer in Lumut wrote this open letter to Najib]

Assalammualaikum dan salam sejahtera Dato Sri Najib Tun Razak, Timbalan Perdana Menteri dan Menteri Pertahanan Negara,

Saya hanya ingin meluahkan perasaan kecewa dan sakit hati kepada pihak Dato Sri mengenai keputusan pembelian dua friget dan dua aircraft baru-baru ini kerana mendapati tindakan Dato itu adalah sesuatu yang bodoh dan dangkal dan mengecewakan.

Saya juga hairan kerana isu NGPV yang masih terbengkalai di Lumut masih lagi tidak selesai tetapi Pertahanan Laut Negara mampu pula untuk mengeluarkan bajet untuk membeli 2 kapal friget baru untuk kegunaan tuan-tuan. Saya pelik kenapa kapal yang sedia ada dan tersiap infrastrukturnya tidak mahu dihabiskan proses pembikinannya, dan tindakan Dato Sri ini bagaikan menggali lubang lain sementara lubang lain belum habis dikambus.

Saya masak benar dengan cara sistem ini dijalankan, sistem memperkayakan Tok Nenek Sedara Mara Pak Menakan Adik Beradik tetapi berilah juga belas ihsan kepada rakyat-rakyat seperti saya walaupun saya tidak mengundi lagi untuk melakukan kerja saya dengan ikhlas,jujur dan amanah dan mendapat gaji halal yang sedikit dan umpama habuk di galaksi ini.

Oleh itu, walaupun Dato Sri ingin membeli walau seribu friget atau seribu aircraft untuk dipasang-pasangkan pada friget itu, saya hampir tidak peduli dan ingin mempersetankan semuanya asalkan Dato Sri dapat meneruskan projek yang terbengkalai tersebut dan dengan demikian bolehlah insan-insan seperti saya memulakan hidup baru dengan keputusan Dato Sri. Akhir kata, buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat juga berpada-pada. Sekian, terima kasih.

Yang benar, jujur dan ikhlas,

Monday, July 17, 2006

perception management sdn bhd

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera,

So what kalau Malaysian nak kurang ajar. Pukimak punya otoriti. Kenapa kena insecure sangat. Is it because you spent soo much launching that bloody fruitless KEMPEN BUDI BAHASA DAN NILAI NILAI MURNI? So malu now is it?

Malaysians have been conforming since forever and now its time we show our true colours. Fucker betul, you’ve been teaching us about morality since we were in pre school. But nothing came out of it, why? Because of bastards like you that’s why. Your planned propaganda forcefully shapes the way we are. People slam doors because they are running out of time. They ran out of time because they are late to work. Why? Because oil petrol is so high they had to commute this morning. Public transport so poor they had to wait few hours just to get from Setiawangsa to Kerinci. With these so many issues could you still think of being courteous? FUCK YOU OTORITI!

And then suddenly, we get laid off, or VSS or MSS because of some GLC revamp thing, why do they need to be revamped? Because of you yourself you buttfucking maggot, after so many years siphon money from them, suddenly you realised that the balance is in the red, so who got laid off? So now they no more have money. VSS money only can last for three years, and so we become crack whores and we rob banks because we don’t have money. Plot the figures, you’ll get a near perfect linear relationship between crime rate and economic level, or narrow it down to petrol price or inflation since you like indicators so much. Or maybe, maybe some of us are rude because we can't afford to go to school to learn about morality in the first place! Why? Nevermind why? Thank god for that!

And by the way, otoriti otoriti pukimak, stop getting approval from them kwai lohs about how ‘berbudi bahasa or bersopan santun’ we are. Cause we are not, we will slam doors at their faces, refuse to collect their crap and will forever be rude on the road and heck we might even bully them sometime. That's just the way we are. So just can it already!

Babi betul, salam hormat.

monday morning news

'Danish Editor Burnt Alive'.The editor of the Danish newspaper `Jyllands Posten' was burntto death when a fire mysteriously broke out in his bedroom, a Saudinewspaper claims.According to the newspaper, the editor was sleeping in his bedroom whenthe fire ravaged his bedroom. He and his newspaper became controversialwhen it had published blasphemous caricatures of Prophet Muhammad(PBUH).The paper claims that the Danish govt is trying to cover up the news ofthe death. He was hit by divine retribution, the paper added. Muslims,all over the world, strongly denounced this blasphemous act and massiveprotests were held in all Muslim countries including Pakistan. Textmessages and emails that claim that the editor or the cartoonist hasbeen burnt alive have also been circulating since Tuesday, lendingsupport to this report. The paper named the editor as Elliot Back.However, Back is merely a senior in Computer Science at CornellUniversity, who had published the caricatures on his website. Name ofthe culture editor of Jyllands Posten, who commissioned the caricatures,is Flemming Rose. Jens Julius is the name of one of the cartoonists thatdrew the images. There were 12 cartoonists in all, who according to theBBC have gone into hiding. – NEWS DESK