i remember back then, when i first started work, amongst my first tasks was to send a meeting invitation via email. it was a simple task but it took me hours to finish writing the email.
on the way home i thought about it, it bugged me because i love writing and it was just an email, i could've finished it within minutes. when i reached home, i started blogging about it at great length and at the end of the entry i noticed one thing. that the entry had a different voice than the email.
i figured it out - i was trying to be someone else, i wasn't trying to write but instead i was trying to be someone else, and i feared being judged and making it more complex, being judged as someone else - through that simple email. so... made a promise to myself, to only write as myself from then on. writing emails and such have been super easy since then.
many years have passed. i now face the same problem again. it is not actually the same but somewhat the same, i find it easier now to write work emails or investment theses rather than writing freely, i get stuck, up to a point i no longer find joy in writing.
nowadays, writing the word 'fuck' for example would see me typing and deleting many times and in the end scrapping the whole entry. yes, the problem is now [relating to 'fuck' which is a noun more than a verb] is ... that i give a fuck and that i care... instead of just... writing freely and enjoying it.
so, i guess its time to look for that guy again. that guy who is now lost somewhere in between white collar shirts and glitters of pointlessness. that guy gave a ... [insert typing and deleting many many times action] - time to quit doing so and start making love instead.