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Monday, April 01, 2013


i remember back then, when i first started work, amongst my first tasks was to send a meeting invitation via email. it was a simple task but it took me hours to finish writing the email.

on the way home i thought about it, it bugged me because i love writing and it was just an email, i could've finished it within minutes. when i reached home, i started blogging about it at great length and at the end of the entry i noticed one thing. that the entry had a different voice than the email.

i figured it out - i was trying to be someone else, i wasn't trying to write but instead i was trying to be someone else, and i feared being judged and making it more complex, being judged as someone else - through that simple email. so... made a promise to myself, to only write as myself from then on. writing emails and such have been super easy since then.

many years have passed. i now face the same problem again. it is not actually the same but somewhat the same, i find it easier now to write work emails or investment theses rather than writing freely, i get stuck, up to a point i no longer find joy in writing.

nowadays, writing the word 'fuck' for example would see me typing and deleting many times and in the end scrapping the whole entry. yes, the problem is now [relating to 'fuck' which is a noun more than a verb] is ... that i give a fuck and that i care... instead of just... writing freely and enjoying it.

so, i guess its time to look for that guy again. that guy who is now lost somewhere in between white collar shirts and glitters of pointlessness. that guy gave a ... [insert typing and deleting many many times action] - time to quit doing so and start making love instead.

hear, hear.



Hamizatul Nisa said...

In the life of white collar shirts, I think everyone loses their identity for awhile. Or at least try to recreate it and understand themselves within that new environment. I haven't personally gone down that road but I guess from a naive pov I would say to learn as much and trust in god that you're turning out right. As long as you have the right niat. :) Cheers, have a good day.

Lia said...

ish en.redza,mane 2 komen yg sya bca semlm?ilang dh?

Yaya said...

people know that everyone make mistakes but only people with lowest minded , will stupidly wasting their time to make a small problem become bigger . just let them be Redza :)

Yaya said...

people know that everyone make mistakes but only people with lowest minded , will stupidly wasting their time to make a small problem become bigger . just let them be Redza :

Norhasanah Abu Bakar said...

I face the same problem too. This has always happened when I tweet/comment/message someone new. Someone that i dont know when Im trying to leave some opinions about things he/she posted. And it's end up not posted anything at all. Fear of judgments from others has always been my problem.

Norhasanah Abu Bakar said...

Same here. I always face this problem. This has always happened to me when Im trying to leave some comments/tweets/messages to someone new about things he/she posted. I mean someone stranger. And it's always end up not to post nothing at all. Fear of others' judgments has always an issue to me.

Anonymous said...

This is so true..i used to write endless poems..d words flowing freely..nowadays none came out..d pointlessnes of white collars made me stop writing..but it gives means to ends..survival bro! Hard no to lose ourself in dis reality..

Amalina Nazri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
newfound fan said...

Well, sometimes to be a good writer, you need to know how to adopt the different 'voices' to suit your target audience. If it's work related, you are writing for them, for your audience. Not for yourself. You need to choose the tone and manner that might be divorced from who you really are.

You can be more "you", more self-indulgent, in your own personal blog. Btw I just discovered who you are by watching your movie yesterday. Congrats. If you can tapped into different feelings as an actor, I'm sure you can be a more versatile writer too.

Syaidahtul Aziz said... not only me.

Syuhada A said...


KIL- I hope it's the first of many more to come. I give a fuck. Good job to you, and the KIL team.

makansiput said...

growing matured perhaps.