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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

anti hero

this photo was recently taken, exactly two weeks after the hot water scalding incident (refer recent entry titled - 'YEAOWW'). - since it happened, i have been staring at the mirror in frustration day in-day out until one time while i was at it, i suddenly felt suffocated, and then i vomited foam-like liquid.

because i was having difficulty breathing i said, "God, help me!" but then i thought, "i haven't been much grateful of late. maybe this is a lesson." i tried calming myself down, tried doing the sitting meditation exercise which i have been practising, along with the tantric kegel exercise i learned online."

but my legs were so stiff i could not cross them - i ended up sitting with my legs strewn about. after quite a while, i felt a surge of warmth entering the top of my head and peppermint-like cold air flowing from my head to my chest - soon my breathing returned to normal. everything was normal right until i saw the image on the mirror. which really put things into perspectives. not one perspective but a few of them - joined together as many-many lines forming a structure. a structure so godly that it swallows a man and a man becomes a substance of just another branch amongst many-many branches of ideas.

it made me realised, that my existence is just another trivial idea that branches out from the whole idea of existence. its like karl marx is an idea. thomas more is an idea - and these ideas branch out from the same tree of humanity. and on each branch, there are leaves growing on them, and these leaves are actually sections, sections that provide meaning for monkeys to cling onto it - and these monkeys hang on to these branches of ideas trusting them with their life, move from one branch to the next until they let go or fall sick and die. all monkeys die first, leaving the branches behind. and when branches die. the tree dies. and when tree dies - everything dies and becomes a parrot.

this is a picture of a parrot. and it has no meaning. this bloody parrot was there in my room.

by the way, last night, as i was watching my recent work raped to utter indignity - i thought to myself.

"hey! at least it is not as badly written as those indonesian soap operas. heh! those uncharacteristically excited indonesians. (should be gunned down. all of them) <--- this part of the thought is a silent thought."

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